What Do I Breath Now?

midday relationship rambling

Sunday afternoons always make me sort of contemplative and moody. It probably has most to do with the amount of work I always have left to do, and that class reading always leads to my mind wandering wherever it wants after a while instead of focussing. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about dating, and what I want in a relationship, and how to find that. These are all pretty stupid things to worry about. Everyone tells me things like “It just has to happen” or “You’ll find someone when you stop looking.” And I’d really like to just feel that way, but for some reason I’m just so worried I’ll never find anyone. I don’t know a ton (any) guys, and my close friends are the same way. I don’t go out a ton so I’m worried that “chance encounter” people always tell me is going to happen to me just, won’t. Beyond the logistical things, there’re the nagging words of my ex-boyfriend (“no one’s going to love you like I did”). Well, on the one hand, I’m fully aware he’s full of shit because he’s a bad person, and on the other hand, I never ever want to be with someone who treats me the way he treated me. But on the magical third hand I suddenly have, I’ve always had this fear of ending up alone, and I still carry around the baggage his words about how selfish, cruel, and troubled I am every day.

The boy I have a “crush” on now is probably the first boy I’ve met who is someone I really would love to be with. He’s the kind of guy I never felt I deserved, because I’ve got this thing where if a boy likes me, even if I don’t like him, I feel sort of obligated to him. That’s a terrible thing to think, and it’s a big part of why I was in my last relationship for such a long time. This guy, though, he’s accomplished, he’s witty, he bakes - he’s just unlike any guy I’ve allowed myself to like, or had the opportunity to like. I know, though, that it’s probably not going to happen because he’s taken, and in something stable with someone he loves. And that’s great for him, and her. I think a big reason I’m caught up on him is because, like I said, it’s weird to actually meet someone who seems so close to the type of guy I really would want to be with.

I know that I’d rather be single then be with the guy I was with, and that realization was really important for me to come to. But I’ve got these fears that I’ll end up with someone who mistreats me again because I don’t feel like I deserve the kind of guy I want. I know I’m quite far from perfect, but I also know I’m a good person, and would be a good girlfriend. But with all of my relationships, not just boyfriends, I always feel like I’m the one putting the effort in, doing little sweet gestures, being accommodating, but I don’t really get that in return. I would really like to find something mutual, a balance, where we both show our affection, where we both do sweet things for each other to show the other how much we care, that we just work together to propel each other forward as individuals and as a couple. This is morphing into a “what I want in a relationship” list, so that’s probably a sign I should stop rambling and go finish my Dante reading. This stuff is stuff I know plenty of girls (and boys, I assume) worry about, and I know it’s kind of silly, but it’s something that’s been on my mind. But now that it’s hear, hopefully it’ll stop nagging me for a while.